Cookie watches Alpha sleeping

Scene: Alpha’s bedroom.

*Cookie watches Alpha snoring, Alpha wakes up and sees Cookie staring at him*

Alpha: (unamused) Okay, why?

Cookie: I’m listening to you snore. I’m wondering how I’ll ever sleep without it.

Alpha: If it helps you sleep, then why are you sitting here staring at me like the albino boogeyman?

Cookie: Really Alpha. Insults? After I spent two hours in your closet, waiting for you to fall asleep?

[Alpha turn on the lamp]

Alpha: (sigh) What’s your problem?

Cookie: If the surgery is successful, the snoring is gone. And if you die during surgery, the snoring is gone.

Alpha: It sounds like either way, I finally get some rest.

Cookie: I have to be honest with you Alpha, I’m truly worried.

Alpha: I told you, there’s nothing to worry about.

Cookie: Well, I’ve been doing some research and I’ve learned that one in 700,000 people die from general anesthesia.

Alpha: Girl, wh, do you realize that that also means 699,999 people don’t die?

Cookie: I suppose that’s true. You’re such a red one-eyed kind of guy. I’m going to miss that.

Scene: The Main Tower office.

Alpha: Hey. What’re you working on?

Cookie: Remember when I said if you went through with your surgery, there was a one-in-700,000 chance of dying?

Alpha: Yeah?

Cookie: Well, I’ve been crunching the numbers, and so far, I’ve gotten your probability of death all the way to a sphincter-tightening one in 300.

Alpha: Great timing. My check sphincter light just went on.

Cookie: Alpha, what if you have an allergic reaction to the surgeon’s latex gloves?

Alpha: I’m not allergic to latex.

Cookie: Well, then why don’t you wear the rubber gloves I bought for you to do the dishes?

Alpha: For the same reason I don’t wear the apron or the hair net.

Cookie: Fine. What about epilepsy?

Alpha: I don’t have epilepsy, either.

Cookie: You don’t, but the surgeon might, hmm? And your carotid artery is just one shaky scalpel away from becoming the dancing fountain at Disneyland.

Alpha: Sheldon, do you realize that driving is riskier than surgery?

Cookie: I do. I have the drive to the hospital right here. That is if you make it to the car without falling down the stairs. And don’t expect me to carry you, I do that enough in life.

Alpha: Girl, I, I get that you’re worried about me and I, I appreciate that, but I’m not going to die.

Cookie: You don’t know that.

Alpha: Well, I do know that it won’t be from an asteroid strike.

Cookie: You know who else said that? Every cocky T. Rex currently swimming around in the gas tank of your car.

Alpha: If there was an asteroid strike, wouldn’t you die, too?

Cookie: I don’t know, I’m smart and scrappy, I think I’d find a way.

Alpha: Tell you what, the surgery’s not for a week, I’ll think about it.

Cookie: Thank you. And while you’re thinking about it, if you have the surgery in Nicaragua during monsoon season, I can practically guarantee your death.